


Program Not Found

by coffeeincluded



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, FE3H Kinkmeme, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:47:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24366793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeincluded/pseuds/coffeeincluded
Summary: The Nabatean automatons were a marvel of engineering and war technology. But...not all of them were used on the battlefield.For the FE3H Kinkmeme, and also pulling double duty for the Felannie Server
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme, Those Who Drabble in the Dark





	Program Not Found

**Author's Note:**

> Another double duty fic!
> 
> First, this is for the following Fe3H Kinkmeme prompt!
>
>> The Church relies on its mighty Golems when push comes to shove on the battlefield, but those things aren't exactly easy to make, it took a few tries to really get the process down, and some of the mothballed ones don't, um, really work as advertised.
>> 
>> So, yeah, there's a potentially dangerous humping Golem on the loose. Do our heroes (any characters of your choice) hunt it down? Or does somebody decide to, uh, use it for certain things?
>> 
>> Bonus: This Golem has a happy face on it.
> 
> Also, this can fill the Felannie Server drabble prompt asking for crackfics!
> 
> In either way, have some pure unabashed silliness, and enjoy!

“Is this a joke? Please tell me this is Chulainn’s idea of a joke.” 

If it was a joke, then it was one of those jokes that ended up not being a joke very quickly. The automatons were an incredibly useful piece of technology, able to resist the magic attacks of the Agarthans and remain in the most hostile environments indefinitely. They were also intelligent to a certain extent, capable of adapting their pre-programmed strategies to the chaos of battle. Seiros had taken a liking to them, personifying them to the point of naming the automatons after some of her favorite humans. Cichol didn’t think too hard about that point. 

Because the problem was that one of them—more likely than not their prankster kin Chulainn, if Cichol was being honest—had decided to make some… _modifications._

It had to be deliberate. There’s no way one of the prototypes could have gone this wrong. And it said something, that a malfunction was the less disturbing option. 

From a distance, the automaton appeared to be repeatedly bumping into the wall, perhaps due to a glitch in its collision-detection programming. Except that it was bent over. And instead of its treads repeatedly driving the automaton into the wall, it was thrusting its hips into the wall.

Oh, and there was the enormous stone phallus jutting from the automaton’s waist, with which it was currently furiously fucking the wall. He couldn’t forget that either. 

To be fair, the phallus was an extraordinary piece of craftsmanship, realistically designed with every curve and vein beautifully detailed. Cichol shifted, suddenly and devoutly grateful for his loose, flowing robes. He shook his head in a futile attempt to clear it.

Macuil was not only unaffected, but gawking and ranting in horrified disbelief. “These are war machines, and each one requires an incredible amount of time and expense. Why would _anybody_ turn one into a...a machine for intercourse?!”

The automaton paused mid-thrust, the scrape of stone on stone echoing. And then, slowly, it swiveled towards them, eyes flat yet still glowing. Instead of the normal lion’s head carved onto the breastplate, someone—probably Chulainn; Cichol was going to have _words_ with him—had crudely carved a humanoid smiley face. The automaton locked onto Cichol and Macuil, and several more inches of stone phallus slid out from its undercarriage at the sight.

Macuil staggered back, eyes wide. “OhshitRUN!”

Cichol didn’t need to be told twice—he was not going to be mounted by a nymphomaniacal war machine today! Macuil had already transformed to his Windcaller form, enormous feathered wings catching the air as he took off out of sight of the machine. Cichol wasn’t far behind, one large paw striking the ground as he transformed mid-stride, wings beating as he tried to take flight as well. But he was an earth dragon, his true form built for racing across the fields. He was not made for the sky like his brother was, and so the sex-crazed machine tracked him down. 

It was...certainly an eye-opening experience. Cichol could most definitely say that he had his horizons...broadened after that experience. And some ideas to suggest to his wife later. 

* * *

“Indech! I don’t know what you’re doing in here but it’s been nearly an hour! Open up!”

“Macuil, wait, I—”

_SLAM!_

“...”

“...”

“...What the _fuck,_ Indech.” 

That damned war machine turned sex machine was back in the workshop, and _Indech was letting it mount him._

“What? I haven’t— _nnggghh!_ —found anything better for scratching that itch when I’m The Immov _aaaaaaaahhh!b_ le. You should try it, Mac!”

“...I’m leaving now, Indech.” Macuil didn’t even let the door slam behind him before he clawed at his eyes, as if that would scratch away the image seared into his retinas.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this short bit of crack!


End file.
